Making Friends as an Adult

We all know that finding friends in our adult lives is not as easy as we all would have hoped. In this post I, am going to discuss the challenges of making new potential friends. I will share with you how to invite them to a gathering, what to plan, and how to connect with people you don’t really know.

All throughout school and college, it seems like friendships are easily found and quickly built. You all appear to be in the same place in life, discovering who you are and looking for connection.

After college, we tend to move to new areas, start our careers, get married, and discover who we really are. We finally feel like the rest of our lives are truly beginning, and we are looking for long-term adult friendships. And suddenly, it has never seemed harder to find people to connect with.

Why is Finding Friends so Difficult?

So why is it so hard to make friends as adults? Finding true friends can take months, if you are lucky, often years to find. I believe a few things factor into this.

First, is the fact that people tend to become more hesitant in their adult lives. We are less likely to put ourselves out there, afraid of being rejected.

We constantly seem to talk ourselves out of making connections. We think that people won’t like us. Or maybe we think that they probably already have enough friends, like there is some unspoken limit to the number of relationships we can form. It’s as if someone is going to say “I’m sorry, I already have a dozen friends, and there’s no more space for you in my life. If only I had met you sooner”. How silly that sounds when we actually think about it?

Second, as we grow in our adulthood, we find ourselves with less and less free time. This makes it so much easier to get lost in our own lives and schedules. We lie to ourselves, saying we are too busy and “just don’t have the time right now”.

But there is always time if you make something a priority. Let’s be honest here, making meaningful connections in life is one of the most important things we can do for our own happiness!

The Struggle is Real

When we relocated to Florida, it took me the better part of 3 years to find any meaningful friendships. 3 YEARS. I didn’t particularly like Florida, I missed the things I use to do in San Diego that this new state did not offer (like hiking and country dancing) and I struggled to find new activities that interested me. On top of all that, I missed my friends.

Daniel and I struggled to find people that we actually connected with. Thankfully he found a community of competitive shooters and felt a sense of community there. I, however, struggled until several months before we moved, just in time to have to start all over again in a new area.

I am sure many of you know exactly what I am talking about and have faced the same challenges in your own lives. But I do not want this for you, dear reader! I want you to find a connection right now, in your current town, so that you can feel at home where you live. (I have an article here if you are struggling to feel a sense of connection with where you live, the location itself). I want you to find your potential friends.

Don't Wait for an Invite

Too often we are waiting for people to invite us to something, anything! The only problem is, those other people are waiting too. We are all waiting on the other person to make the first move. It you wait for an invite, it may never come.

I swear adult friendships are like high schoolers dating. “Does he like me? I don’t know, maybe he flirts with all the girls”, or “I’m afraid to ask her out, what if she doesn’t feel the same way I do”. These insecurities of our youth become how we handle friendships in our adult lives. Because although you are not looking to date these future friends, you are looking to build a meaningful relationship.

You First

Sometimes we get lucky and someone else steps up to make the effort to get a group together. But honestly, that’s most likely not going to happen, so you will have to take charge and be the one to lead.

Don’t think about it too much. Be confident in yourself and others will like you. The fact is that many people are looking for meaningful connections just like you are, hoping that someone will want to befriend them.

How do I Find Potential Friends?

So, how do you approach these people you wish to get to know better? Start by thinking of those you interact with on a semi-regular basis. Who do you get along with at the office, at church, the gym, or a fitness class? Think of anywhere you see the same people over and over again.

Who are the people that you already have a small connection with, or perhaps someone you have wanted to talk to but haven’t yet? Is there anyone you know that is new to the area? This is your starting point. These are the ones you need to connect with. These are your potential friends.

How do I Approach Potential Friends?

This often feels like the hardest part, but you actually can keep it pretty simple. After a bit of chit-chat, just say “hey, I’m actually getting a group of ladies together for an outing later this month. Not everyone knows each other and it’ll be a fun way to meet some new friends if you’re interested.” Then exchange numbers and say that you’ll be in touch with more details.

Honestly, it doesn’t even matter if you haven’t planned what you’ll do yet. You can even tell them that you’re still working out the details and are just seeing who all is interested in getting together before you plan the rest.

Once you do this, it becomes easier to do. It can even feel quite invigorating when someone gets excited about your invitation! I know I never regret going out of my comfort zone to include someone.

Make it an Open Invite

This is not only a great way to help make everyone feel more relaxed if they can bring a friend, but it will help you to grow your potential friend base even faster. If you want to let people invite others, just be sure to let them know they are welcome to bring someone as well.

Rejection Happens

Some people might say no. You should be prepared for this because it happens to all of us, for whatever reasons. Just don’t let this discourage you! I can bet that you will get more people happy that you invited them than not. As I have stated before, most people are looking for some sort of connection. They want to be included and they want to build closer friendships.

What do I Plan?

Having some type of activity planned can help with that awkwardness of not knowing each other. There are so many things you can do here! I recommend starting out by seeing what’s going on locally in your area. Take a look at Groupon or just think about the cute things that are unique to your area.

Festival or event
Botanical Gardens
Winery or themed cocktail bar
Fruit picking at an orchard
Hiking
Escape Room
Bowling/Mini Golf/Arcade
Dueling Pianos
Live Music

These are just a few ideas to get you started. Whatever you do make sure that:

it’s an event that everyone is comfortable with
you can talk to and get to know each other

Some events might work well to do the activity and connect, others you might want to partake in the activity and then grab a bite or a drink to be able to talk more as a group.

How a Friend Inspired Me

I actually got this whole idea from a friend of mine in Florida. She had just started at the company I worked at but knew quite a few people in the area. She invited myself and a few other ladies she had recently met, along with established friends she already had, to a girl’s day. She said that she was inviting a large group of ladies to meet each other at a local foodie festival. While it sounded a bit intimidating, it also sounded like a great opportunity to make friends, so I joined.

Some of the girls had known each other for a while, but I (thankfully) was not the only new person there. It ended up being a wonderful day and it inspired me to use this same tactic once I we moved to Utah. This friends kind and welcoming personality encouraged me and made me realize that I wanted to be the one to bring people together in this new area.

My First Potential Friend Event

For the first event I planned, we all met up for a summer market festival with live music. There was supposed to be a band, a market, and food trucks, that sounds fun, right? Well, it actually ended up being a pretty disappointing event, there wasn’t much there and the music was nothing to write home about.

Thankfully we still had a great time! We did introductions, walked around, and found a picnic bench to sit on. Then we just started talking and chatting, spending probably three hours together just getting to know each other. We were all a bit on the more introverted side, but still easily found ways to connect.

By the end everyone was saying that they would love to get together again soon. This goes to show it’s more about the company and ability to connect than the actual event itself, so don’t over-stress on the planning part.

A Few Tips

Here are a few tips to take into consideration when going through the friend-finding journey:

Don't Give Up

Know that people will come and go. Some will not be interested, some won’t show up, and some will fizzle out. Thankfully, some will stay, come to the events that they can, and become true friends over time.

Don’t Take it Personally

There will be some people you will connect with, others you won’t. Realize that not all personalities will be a good match. You might see that and decide that you want to stop inviting certain people to your get togethers, or they might stop coming if they don’t feel like your group is a good match for them.

Don’t get discouraged, just keep looking for people that are a good fit. You will find them!

Don’t Over-Invite

If someone says no to three invites, that’s a good indication that they aren’t interested. You can either ask them if they would like you to stop inviting them to events, or you can just stop, assuming that is the desire. If they want to hang out after 3 declined invites, they can reach out to you.

Talking Points

It never hurts to have a few things to talk about in case the conversation doesn’t flow. Often, it’s pretty easy to get it going, but as the organizer you’ll likely have to be the one to break the ice at least for the first meeting or two. Then, as people get to know each other, it will flow easily.

Ask why they moved to the area
Ask how they met their significant other
Ask what their hobbies are
Ask what they would do if they could do Anything

Questions like this can lead to people finding similarities, and therefore connecting to each other. All of these questions often get the conversation flowing.

Asking people what they would do if they could do anything is my favorite question to present. Since my first ladies’ day was with people who all worked at the same company, the last thing I wanted was to sit around and talk about our corporate jobs. Talk about boring, if we did that all night, I wouldn’t want to plan another outing!

So, after a few minutes of work chatter, I steered the conversation away from that topic and on to the topic of “if you could do anything as a career, what would it be?” This was a great shift, it started everyone off talking about their dreams, aspirations, and desires.

Now those are things that you can really connect on! It’s personal, shows you a bit of that person’s personality, and you get to see what they are passionate about. Right after that I decided I already liked all of these ladies.

Inviting New Friends into your Home

After a few meet ups and once you know you like these new people, you should have them over to your house for an event you personally host. This will lead to great deeper connections by having them in your home.

I would recommend that once you consider these individuals friends, you should have them over to your house. Another ladies’ day works well, and so does a couples event so you can meet everyone’s significant others.

Worth the Effort

I know that finding friends can be quite a struggle. But, if you stick with it, it will pay off. Be friendly, be confident, be welcoming, and you will find friends that will make the effort all worthwhile.